DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
