I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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