Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
