she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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