Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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