My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
