Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
