I didn't shave. On purpose
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
