if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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