Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
