A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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