just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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