Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
