We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
