If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
