i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
