no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
