Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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