I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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