Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
