the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
