I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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