Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
