We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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