Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
