I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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