Apparently you make a good broom.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
