Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
