Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
