I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
