Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
