When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
