i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
