My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
