A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I got inside last night via doggy door
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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