it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
