I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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