I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
