I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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