just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
