Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
