You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
