he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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