Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
