Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
