If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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