So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
