how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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