The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
