She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
